I am being tested or being beaten down. If you are walking down the street and see a five dollar bill on the floor, is it a test or is it a blessing. I suppose it depends on your perspective.
I write this not to depress anyone but to find perspective. Within the last couple of months my brother lost his 12 year old daughter (my niece) to a brain aneurysm; a
business associate of mine lost his 27 year old son back from Iraq to a heart attack while he was jogging in the neighborhood; a close friend of mine just lost his 36 year old son to a heart attack and had already been suffering from organ failure; and one of my best friends has had sex abuse allegations made against him--he is being wrongfully accused and his reputation has been sent to hell. He is a public figure and is being royally screwed by a family looking for a pay day. No one believes the allegations because everyone knows my friend, he is NOT this kind of person. Anyway defending him is not the point.
Seems like every other week someone close to me has needed someone to lean on, namely me. I have been through the loss of my son some years ago and I suppose it qualifies me to be there for those that have lost theirs. As far as my friend being accused, I can tell you this, I CAN be there for him as well. I don't know what all this means that I have to be or can be there for all those close to me. I know at some point or another two of these individuals have been there for me when I was down on the canvas. I look back at my life and see the pain inflicted on me physically, mentally, and spiritually over the last (almost) 45 years--no, no, not a pity party, just a reality check for the dysfunctional freakazoids I have lived with growing up and had to deal over the years. Now I am in the process of "fixing them" and "fixing us". There doesn't seem like there is anyone in my family that is capable of taking on this job except me. So onward I trudge to see if it can be done. In the meantime my mind is bombarded with all of the tragedy taking place in and around my life.
So I say again, in fear of being confusing with all this stuff, is this all a test or is it a blessing? And, what kind of perspective am I to get or should I get?
i'm so sorry to hear about all that's going on around you. i suppose it call all be counted as both a blessing and a lesson. take the simplest perspective, and start there.
i wish i had more for you. :( have courage.
Posted by: ghostie alix | June 15, 2007 at 01:14 AM
I once prayed to God to let all the bad things happen to me so that they would not occur to those I loved.
So for me: If you can handle the bombardment and they are relieved by you being there for them, then I call it a blessing.
Will it suck for you? Probably. But if you have the strength to lighten their load, unlike anyone else in the family, then you are blessed.
pEace
Posted by: Dorioo | June 16, 2007 at 07:15 AM
Alix,
Its all fine and well, just looking for some sense and sanity in it all. A simple way to go is wise; its appreciated. When are you ever getting that blog back up, I have hope for you that you will one day.
Dorioo,
What you say is quite profound. I have often thought this, that it wouldve been better for me to have gone through this than someone else, I am spiritually stronger than most I believe. And I know it does suck at times but I keep my perspective. IE my friend's son was standing inches away from my son when he passed and it easily couldve been him as well but it wasnt and I could live with that knowing that my life with my son at the time was brief however fulfilling. The also knowing that if my son never passes, I dont have the wife and two kids I have now. The duality of it all sometimes puzzles me. Nonetheless I do feel VERY BLESSED in it all.
Posted by: BlackOps | June 16, 2007 at 09:15 AM
BlackOps, i want to wish you a wonderful, peaceful and Happy Father's Day...
Posted by: ghostie alix | June 17, 2007 at 12:17 AM
Alix
AWWWW, many thanks for those well wishes--you're the greatest.
Posted by: BlackOps | June 17, 2007 at 09:14 AM
I understand where you are coming from. I am in the same boat with my family. My time is being consumed by physical chores and letting my family lean on me emotionally.
I am so anxious.... so overwhelmed... dare I say it, even depressed about it. On one hand I'm relieved that everyone is contacting me for help, but on the other hand... Jesus! I just want them to go away.
So far it has not been comforting for me... but I'll offer it to you.... That which does not kill us... makes us stronger.
Hang in there.
Posted by: Cathy | June 17, 2007 at 09:48 AM
Cathy,
I know the overwhelmed feeling you are talking about--the task of being the "leader" if you will of my family is a bit daunting. However it does not appear that there any canidates. Our family is large and going in many directions but I believe healing can be achieved, its just going to take some time. The THAT WHICH.....I am very familiar with, its been somewhat of battle cry over the last 20 or so years of my life. Many thanks for your words of comfort.
Posted by: BlackOps | June 17, 2007 at 08:33 PM
No blessing, no test, just life.
See if you can find the perspective I have over the last 50 years... Tree's grow but in growing they drop leaves so that new trees can grow.
Posted by: 1138 | June 19, 2007 at 08:35 PM
1138,
hmmmm...thats sounds like a riddle.
Posted by: BlackOps | June 19, 2007 at 10:09 PM